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I turned off CNN and turned on Porn


So, the headline, AS YOU MIGHT IMAGINE, is not exactly the truth.

It’s closer to truthiness.

But the first part is true. I turned off CNN.

I turned off CNN because CNN was driving me crazy. And when I say driving me crazy, I mean depressing, annoying, frustrating, angering and completely instigating me.

I had been wanting to turn off CNN for a long time. But I had become incapable of turning CNN off. I blame it on their constant threat of “Breaking News.” Even though I know “Breaking News” is just a trick to get idiots like me to keep the channel from changing, I was also scared I might miss something if I turned off CNN.

And then, one day, something happened.

I don’t remember what it was.

It could have been a jury verdict or a crime or an instance of weather.

It could have been a Kardashian sighting.

I don’t remember what it was.

BUT, I remember seeing a Tweet about whatever it was on Twitter and then immediately changing the channel from Bloomberg News back to CNN, only to find that CNN didn’t care about what was currently happening.

CNN was talking about missing boats or planes or the Ukraine or something that doesn’t immediately impact me.

I’m not saying those aren’t important subjects. I’m just saying they’re not really breaking news in my personal world.

So I turned off CNN. And, because I was pissed off at all news outlets everywhere, I turned off Bloomberg.

I turned on some crap because I work better with noise in the background. I turned the television volume so low it was almost off and I went back to work.

And I monitored Twitter.

And I also added a few Twitter feeds to take the place of CNN’s supposably breaking news.

And I’ve rarely turned CNN back on since then.

My problems with CNN are deeply and meaningfully complicated. I’m not just a news junkie. I’m a sucker for sloppy politics and a near obsessive when it comes to jury verdicts and media coverage of law enforcement.

And don’t even get me started on a good sociopath or psychopath story. Those can keep me home, glued to the television for months on end.

I had thought about turning off CNN for a long time since I knew it puts me in a bad mood and encourages obsessive thinking…but I had never quite gotten there.

But now I was there.

And I liked it, even if I didn’t realize I liked it for a couple of weeks.

Turning off CNN turned out to be the perfect instigating factor in my ‘mixing things up.’

Turning off CNN set into motion a series of little actions and inactions, all of which affected my life in various small but incredibly poignant ways.

And turning off CNN appears to have opened up a ton of brain space, allowing for the freer and easier movement of ‘other stuff’ both in and out.

So there I was, monitoring Twitter and ignoring CNN, and I needed to find women sitting in positions that caused their knees to be bent.

Why, you might ask, was I looking for these bent knee women?

Because I draw a cartoon and I wanted my main character to sit on the sofa with her feet up but not stretched out.

And I wanted to draw girls with bent knees too.

Because I draw girls.

So I searched women and sofas.

Let’s just say it’s a bad idea to search for women and anything on the internet.

You end up with lots of naked women.

And, just in case you don’t know, never ever EVER search for anything about women and knees. Unless, of course, you throw in a medical term or the word ‘surgery.’

At first I was all kinds of shocked.

You might think this is stupid if you’ve spent decades poring over internet porn already.

But I wasn’t an internet surfer. I was into guided internet. I always started with the New York Times or CNN and followed links from those safe sites.

And gossip. I also read some of the safer gossip sites.

Not the ones with pictures of gross plastic surgery and celebs at the beach one week after giving birth and without make up or demure cover ups, but the nice ones that show posed pictures of celebs and their adorably adorable babies.

And now I was looking at lots of open legs in questionable locations.

And, may I just say, who knew?

Who knew that women are sitting around in so many places with legs spread and no clothing on? I certainly didn’t.

So now it’s a few weeks or months later and I’ve learned how to search the internet for bent knee girls without getting total VAG (pronounced V-AAAA-J) on my screen.

But, along the way, I’ve also discovered some sites that CNN didn’t lead me to.

And it’s cool. And fun. And far more interesting than constant reporting on how a bunch of really bad people are cutting off the heads of people who wanted to keep their heads.

I’m a big fan of mixing it up.

The last time I tried mixing it up in a major way, a series of accidental actions resulted in the development of a comic strip. And that comic strip has been an incredible amount of fun.

So mix it up. Try something new. Stop something old. Change the channel.

Do something different, even if it’s little – or especially if it’s little.

It may not rock your world, but it’s more likely to rock your world than whatever you’re doing now that isn’t necessarily rocking your world.

Back to my women. Today is bent elbows.

xoxo, d


Today’s List

I love lists.

As a pre-internet moody, introverted, impassioned wannabe writer, I lived for making lists.

I didn’t make ‘To Do’ lists because I thought they were annoying. First you make a ‘To Do’ list, then you don’t do the things on your “To Do” list, then you obsess (if you’re obsessive) about how to manage a list that is becoming increasingly irrelevant.

But I still loved lists. I made lists of everything and anything. Favorite this and that. Priorities. Wishes. Dreams. Everything I wanted or thought about or dreamed of ended up on a list.

Eventually, I made lists with arrows pointing everywhere. Lists and arrows evolved into charts and diagrams and graphs.

And yes, I fell in love with Excel. If you’re an Excel junkie too, I love you.

These days I still make lists of anything and everything. For me, there’s something about documenting a thought that makes the thought more likely to become an action or an event or an actual life occurrence.

And I find lists all over the place. In books, in purses, in baskets filled with books and magazines. The lists are at once both inspiring and validating. The lists prove that I’m not flighty or just a dreamy dreamer of dreams. I find lists with words and wishes that have now come true more than occasionally.

I think the biggest misconception about lists is that they have to have a theme or purpose. I wish more people realized that you can just list things for the sake of listing things.

So here’s today’s list:

[1] Giant brand Pink Grapefruit Flavored Sparkling Water Beverage in the skinny, tall 8-ounce plastic bottle. With a straw.  It may be healthy. It may not be. I can’t tell. But it’s got no calories, no apparent sugar, and it’s SO DAMN PRETTY to look at. Really pleasing to the eye.

[2] My ballet barre. Because my ballet barre is amazing.

[3] Tom Rhodes’ podcast. Tom Rhodes is my favorite type of comedian interviewer. Funny and fun to listen to but he’s all about the interviewed subject, not about making his own jokes on their interview time. He’s curious and genuinely interested. His questions are good questions – short, to the point, not ridiculous or stupid or self-serving. And he’s got a great voice.

[4] Tuesday. I love Tuesdays. I’m good on Tuesdays, generally speaking.

[5] Thinly sliced onion. Because I’m still doing a good job of thinly slicing onion. No cut fingers! Yay.

[6] Weather coverage. So not interesting. At least not for me. Which doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t go out to those in the midst of weather. It does. I hope they’re okay. And I’m glad states are taking more precautions to prevent people from getting stuck in dangerous weather. I’d rather see states be safe than sorry. Tell everyone to stay home unless they’re performing emergency surgery. I’m all for preventative weather coverage for the sake of helping people avoid poor decision making regarding travel. But otherwise, I can’t watch weather coverage.

[7] Anger. I’m all for it. It’s healthy. Feel your anger. And don’t apologize for it. Just don’t hit anyone or yell at anyone. Hit a bag and yell at a pillow. Or the tv. Yell at the tv. Don’t hit it. Hitting the tv hurts.

[8] Dog grooming. I still can’t get anywhere close to my dog’s eyes with a scissor. She won’t let me. Looking for tricks but prepared to go to a groomer just for help in that area. I need a dog face groomer.

[9] Girls. I’m watching it. And reading reviews of it. And seeing too many references to Hannah’s character not knowing how she comes across. And not believing it. I firmly believe that annoying, offensive people – even if they’re smart, perceptive, talented and right some of the time – know they’re annoying and offensive. They just think that being annoying and offensive is justified. And it’s not.

[10] Chocolate chip sugar cookies. Mix chocolate chip cookie dough with sugar cookie cookie dough. Mix well. Make cookies. The mix of the two types of dough is amazing in terms of both texture and taste. Especially if you’re not a big chocolate person. Which I’m not.

That’s the list for now.

Makes lists. They’re good for you.

And stay warm and dry.

xoxo, d

15RALRGB (celebrity lists)

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