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How to be Helpful Part II

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A friend got in touch today to talk about a local and relatively close suicide.

That happens.

People ask me about suicide and tell me about suicides and send me articles about suicide.

Once you out yourself as suicidal, you get a lot of “how’s the suicidal stuff going” questions.

It’s probably not much different than coming out as gay, vegan, left-handed or Republican.  People are curious and, well, they’re curious.

And some people are more than curious.

Some people want to reach out, understand, be helpful, or otherwise be present for your life experience.  And that’s very nice.  It’s a nice sentiment and always a nice gesture when people try to be helpful.

So today my friend got in touch and asked a REALLY GREAT QUESTION.

He asked me “How can I be helpful to my friend who is directly affected by this suicide?”

My friend was worried about his friend.

Specifically, he was worried that a close-to-home suicide might trigger something bad.

I told my friend a few things, some of which he found particularly helpful, so I’ll share my thoughts here:

(1) Offer to be there.

Say you’ll come over. Say you’ll stop by. Say you’ll pick the other person up in a half hour. Say you’ll be at the coffee shop at 3 and ask your friend what you should order for them.  Say you’ll take your friend to the grocery store or out for some sort of comfort food.

(2) Don’t just ask ‘what can I do?

I realize this sounds counter to a lot of what we hear, but reaching out to someone in  mental or emotional pain is a bit different than reaching out to those suffering other types of agony.  If I want to help a friend who has suffered a loss or had surgery or is going through something difficult, I absolutely ask them what I can do.  It’s important to say to a person ‘I want to be helpful …so tell me what would be helpful to you.’ 

Anyone who has ever helped a friend through chemo knows that their ability to eat and their tastes will change frequently.  You would never just bring surprise foods to someone having chemo.

But to be there for the person who is in mental or emotional anguish, you have to be a little more assertive and you may have to substitute your judgment for theirs.  Mental and emotional stress keep the brain from functioning normally. Decision making is usually the first skill to be compromised.

So don’t ask what you can do.  Just start offering things. Offer to do this or do that or come over or whatever.

And prepare for lots of rejection.

Your friend may not want to go for a walk, for coffee, or to see Cherry Blossoms, Your friend may not say yes to any of the other 73 activities you offer.

But your friend might be ready to say yes to your 74th suggestion.

(3) Keep offering.

Don’t expect your friend to reach out to you.  Reaching out is more difficult as an individual sinks lower.  You need to do the reaching out and never take the rejection personally. Just keep offering. You friend may not take you up on your offer on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, but he might be waiting for your call on Thursday. And even if he never takes you up on any of your offers, the simple act of calling and offering might be one of the actions that helps him get through a tough time.

(4) Don’t ask open-ended questions.

It’s hard for someone in mental or emotional distress to articulate how they feel.  Sometimes they just feel overwhelmingly awful.  If they’re depressed, they probably feel awful AND hopeless.

So don’t just ask ‘how are you doing?’  Ask specific questions the person will be able to answer without remembering how hopeless they feel.

“Did you eat?”

“Have you been outside?”

“Did you sleep?”

Help the person focus on very specific aspects of their day. Specific aspects of one day are far less overwhelming than the feeling that the horrible hell of today might last forever.

(5) Don’t ask if they’re okay.

Of course they’re not okay.

And if you just ask if they’re okay, they might think you’re just being polite.

Or they might lie to keep from being a burden.

Or they might lie to make you go away.

Focus on specific questions that elicit specific answers.

(6) Don’t just tell them to call you.

Remember that someone who’s down probably isn’t going to initiate contact.

Tell them you’ll call later or tomorrow..and then call.

Check in.

Make sure the person knows you’ll be checking in.

Maybe they’ll look forward to your check ins. Maybe knowing you’ll check in will help them feel safe.

Maybe they’ll eventually want to walk to the mailbox or walk around the block so they can report to you that they took a few baby steps and make you proud.

♥ ♥ ♥

So I was talking to my friend on the phone while I was in the woods with the Dog-in-Chief. And I was a bit out of breath.

Perhaps that’s why he asked me if the conversation was hard for me.

I told him it wasn’t difficult and that, to be honest, I was a bit clinical when it comes to the suicide stuff.  Talking about suicide, for me, is like talking about any other aspect of regular life.  It’s way too familiar to be a significant trigger.

But I told him some of my triggers.

And I explained how I avoid certain triggers.

And he said that was helpful information.

Then, not to be nice and not to be polite, but because it was true, I told him that he is, thus far in my life, NOT a trigger.

I think I heard him blush.

As Ellen would say, “Be kind to each other.”

I’ll just add this…”Be kind to each other…and keep trying even if the person says no a billion times.”

Sometimes it’s the billion and one-th time that makes the critical difference.

xoxoxo, d
Giving real life stories value, purpose and power.

“[H]ow can she be depressed, she is doing well in school?”

No matter how many times the therapist explained high functioning depression, [my parents] never believed it. I mean, I can’t really blame them. I have trouble believing it myself sometimes. And I’m living it.

I really appreciated Busted Laser’s very honest explanation of high functioning depression.

As Ellen says every day at the end of her show, “Be nice to one another.”

Read her blog at Busted Laser: A TRUE lifestyle blog.

On another note, I spent yet another day watching Ally McBeal on Netflix.

Can I just say “THANK GOD FOR MARATHON TELEVISION” – ????? Can I just say that?

I spend a lot of time at home drawing (and drawing) (and drawing). During the week, while drawing, I listen to music, audio books and podcasts. But on the weekend, I like to get all wild and crazy and watch something fun.  Something I can keep on in the background that makes me laugh without requiring much concentration.

My go-to shows for weekend marathoning are 90210, Melrose Place and Ally McBeal.  I’m so glad that neither 90210 and Melrose Place went the way of anorexia that Ally McBeal did.  It is definitely annoying and difficult to watch the starved women of Ally McBeal seasons 2, 3 and 4. But it is what it is and hopefully some girl somewhere learned something when the women of Ally McBeal eventually shared their stories of body dysmorphia and starvation. And hopefully they realized that the non-anorexic characters of Elaine (played by Jane Krakowski) and Renee (played by Lisa Nicole Carson) were the most beautiful women on the show.


Luckily for me, my broken brain allows me to watch the same episodes over and over again without remembering most of the show.  It’s a gift, really.

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And finally, a recommendation –

LOVE close up with the hollywood reporter on Sundance TV!


You must, must, must watch if you love observing the minds of creative people.

xoxo, d

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