Depression

What’s It Like?

 

TMS is like having a small hammer bang against your head repeatedly. Technically, each treatment session includes 55 trains of 36 pulses (for a total of 1980 pulses per session) delivered over 20 min at 18 Hz and intensity of 120% relative to the patient’s resting motor threshold (MT).

What does that mean?

Well, the resting motor threshold is the basic unit of dosing in transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) research and practice.  There are several different approaches to estimating the resting motor threshold and apparently little consensus on the best method for estimating it. BUT don’t take my word for it. I am not a doctor or a scientist. There is a lot of research easily available on the internet so look it up if you are interested in learning more.

The little I know is that In a healthy brain, neural activity in the motor areas of both hemispheres is functionally related to muscle control. An active movement of a hand is associated with an enhanced neural activity in certain motor areas. My resting motor threshold has been determined multiple times through a process of stimulating my brain with magnetic pulses and measuring the correlating hand movement. It’s kind of cool.

When I have TMS, a cap is put on my head. The cap has measurements indicated on it that show where a magnetic coil should be placed. The coil sits near the front of my head over my right eye close to my eyebrow. The coil is in what feels like a helmet and the helmet is strapped tightly to my head. I wear ear pods to listen to music and I wear mouth guards to protect my teeth and jaw from the twitching caused on the right side of my face. My right eye twitches too but I do not need anything for that. I only need to not be wearing glasses.

The tapping is the minimum amount of power needed to stimulate my brain cells, the amount that meets my individual threshold that causes my thumb muscles to twitch. During the treatment, my right hand twitches so I cannot hold my phone or anything with that hand.

The actual tapping procedure takes twenty minutes and I am awake, sitting up in a comfortable chair. I cannot move since I am attached to a helmet that is attached to a machine. Every twenty seconds, the tapping taps tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap for two seconds.

Every twenty seconds for two seconds.

After a while it’s meditative if you let it be. And after a while my brow goes numb. In a non-annoying way.

But the time goes fast if I listen to music. Sometimes I read texts or emails. by holding the phone up to  my face and far enough away with my glasses held up and squinting since I’m not actually wearing my glasses.

Yes, it is a TMS shit show.

After treatment, I can go back to work. No sedation or anesthesia is necessary so after treatment I am good to go.

Treatment is every day for 30 days, Monday through Friday for six weeks or so.

I have been through two cycles of treatment with remarkable results. I should be on a commercial for TMS. It has changed my life.

Whether the effects of TMS will last or not is a different story, but for the first time ever I have major hope that I can live differently. With TMS, my brain is no longer the boss of me.

With TMS, my brain no longer bullies me into performing repetitive daily rituals that exhaust me and render me incapable of living a normal life.

Now TMS won’t work for everyone, obviously,  since nothing works for everyone. But look at some of the links I’ve provided. The areas they’re researching for the use of TMS are amazing.

But there are so many options out there now that I urge everyone to research everything.

Even with TMS, there are different kinds of coils.

I began TMS for treatment of “Major Depressive Disorder” because that is what the insurance company will authorize, but it turned out that TMS release me from the chains of my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

Now we are trying to get the insurance company to authorize payment for a different coil that targets OCD.

If I could get that treatment, then WOW. I mean, W.O.W.

Like seriously. I could be a totally new person.

Because depression really isn’t my problem. I can manage my depression.

My real problem – the one that really wrecks the quality of my life – is the OCD.

So naturally I wish I had tried TMS years ago, but you don’t know until you know. So I didn’t know about TMS until I knew about TMS.

And I can’t dwell on time I could have been living life instead of waiting for life to be over.

But enough of that nonsense!

I have provided so many resources under the Resources tab. You should take a look even though you shouldn’t use the word ‘should’ and neither should I.

But ‘should’ is a discussion for another day.

For today, find something that gives you hope.

I have hope now that my life can be about living.

That’s not what it was about before.

It’s not that I didn’t want to live, it’s just that the OCD kept telling me to do violent and harmful things through constant intrusive thoughts I could not stop.

Medications helped me to manage those thoughts so I could hold a job and keep cartooning, but managing a life is not the same as living a life.

Now I have hope that I can live my life.

And now I have the ability to help other people figure out how to live their lives too.

A long time ago, I became a professional problem solver. In some parts, they call that a lawyer. In other parts they call that an advocate.

Now that my brain has backed off from sending me violent, harmful intrusive messages I can devote myself to advocacy. Just the way I always dreamed of.

Check out the resources. They are really good.

Today is a great day to do something different to make your life better and you may just find it right here.

I hope it’s at least a start.

I hope your Saturday is really great.

And green. Something about green, apparently.

💚 💚 💚

xoxoxoxo, dee (and bella)

Switching Tracks

 

I always knew my brain was working against me.

I didn’t know precisely how my brain was carrying out its campaign against me, but I knew for sure there was a problem.  I knew my brain was not helpful.

Even as a child, my thoughts were dark. My views of the world were morose. Any visions I had of the future were cut short by tragedy I could foresee.

In the beginning, my brain told me everything was doomed. Then, little by little, my brain told me anything I had would be ruined. Later, it told me to ruin things.

It was clear as a bell that brisk December night in my first semester of college when my brain directed me to withdraw from college immediately. I stayed awake all night until dawn, pacing from my dark college dorm room to the shared common room, where I smoked my way through boxes of Marlboro Lights.  As soon as there was a little light in the sky, I moved to the  frigid steps of the building that housed the Dean’s Office. I sat there for hours, waiting for the office staff to arrive and find my teary, tragic self looking hopeless and pathetic.

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Just a little mental health reminder.

#talktosomeonebesidesyourself

This is just a reminder to talk to someone besides yourself.

I learned the lesson AGAIN (and again and again and again) this past week when I literally almost blew up from the inside out from not saying things and keeping them inside of me.

I am still not sure how all of that works, apparently.

Keeping it in. Getting it out. Keeping it in. Getting it out.

It seems I’ll be doing a good job of getting it out as things come in and then OMG all of a sudden there’s something in there that gathered some traction and there’s nobody to tell about it because it’s too late to tell anybody because it’s too late for anything at all because OMG it’s too late.

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A Tangle of things.

It was a week of intentional distractions from the stress of a situation that’s 100% out of my control.

Don’t you love those?

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change…
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.

Okay, God. I’m on it.  I get it. I can’t do anything about it.

Nothing. Nada. Zero. Not a thing.

So of course I only say “but maybe,” “if only,” “but just” and “but what if” about a thousand times a day.

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Hope. And research.

This is a really helpful piece. The suggestion about researching really resonated with me. I research like crazy when I’m in the dark. And in my last darkest hour I found Ketamine. Now I’ve got Ketamine in my back pocket if I should need it again.

Thank you to The Mighty and Cassidy Allen for a Helpful Read.

Happy Holiday Monday,

xoxo, dee and bella

10 Ways to Find Hope When You Feel Like You Can’t Fight Anymore

Then Came Ketamine.

I really encourage those with treatment resistant depression to explore the possibility of Ketamine treatment, whether it is through a clinical trial, hospital or provider. Those with dual diagnosis or co-occurring substance abuse and/or bipolar conditions need to seek the advice of professionals with specific expertise in those areas.

I personally had great success with Ketamine. I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) with suicidal thoughts. I had treatment with Ketamine over the course of 18 months. I am available to talk with anyone considering Ketamine treatment – whether it is for them or for a family member. I believe Ketamine is a treatment that can save lives because of its potential to effect significant change faster than current medications and other treatments.

The following article about Zoe Boyer’s success (YAY!) with Ketamine treatment is from the Sunday New York Times for May 30, 2021. Links to more of my writing about the Ketamine experience will follow.

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Great CBT Podcast!

All about CBT and how it works and how it can help you!!

Dr. Julie Osborn, a therapist specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), shares her experiences in the field and helps her listeners; addressing the issues they face and the situations they find themselves in. CBT is a short-term, goal-orientated psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem solving. Dr. Osborn teaches how cognitive behavioral therapy can be used everyday in our lifelong pursuit of happiness.

  • MAY 28, 2021

Self-Sabotage

Self-Sabotage

Do other people get annoyed with you because you act or react a certain way?Do you feel like you’re always messing up or losing relationships because of certain behaviors?Do you feel hopeless and stuck in an endless pattern of negative thoughts and automatic reactions?In this episode, Dr Julie h…

  • MAY 21, 2021

How To Reframe Your Feelings

How To Reframe Your Feelings

Do you struggle with negative feelings – anxiety, loneliness, depression, resentment, anger, fear?Do you wish you could just make them all go away?In this episode, Dr Julie shares with you a CBT technique that will empower you to reframe your thoughts and feelings in a positive way, bringing yo…

  • MAY 14, 2021

Are You Judging Me?

Are You Judging Me?

Do you feel exhausted trying to keep up with other people’s expectations of you?Do you feel like you’re constantly being judged?In this episode, Dr Julie looks at the insecurities and anxieties many of us feel in response to other’s perceived judgement of us. She explains some of the reasons these in…

  • MAY 7, 2021

How To Assert Yourself

How To Assert Yourself

Do you struggle to communicate your desires and preferences?Do you feel like people walk all over you and you are powerless to change it?In this episode, Dr Julie talks about what it means to be assertive in a healthy way, how it can benefit you and how to do it. Using the power of Cognitive Beh…

  • APR 30, 2021

Understanding Personality Disorders

Understanding Personality Disorders

What is the difference between personality quirks and a personality disorder?Why do people have personality disorders?If you’re in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, what is the best way to deal with that? In this episode, Dr Julie Osborn helps demystify personality disorders, ex…

Don’t you forget about me.

Very Good Pleasure To Meet You (w/ Andrew McCarthy)

Literally! With Rob Lowe

In which Rob and actor/author/director Andrew McCarthy discuss their lives in and out of the Brat Pack, Andrew’s new memoir Brat: An ‘80s Story, directing young actors, showing up prepared, sobriety, and the undying legacy of Weekend At Bernie’s. Plus: Rob answers a question about getting through high school in the LoweDown Line. Got a question for Rob? Call our voicemail at (323) 570-4551. Your question could get featured on the show!

Chuckie’s in Love

Wow. Two of my favorites! Marc Maron interviewing Ricki Lee Jones.

WTF with Marc Maron Podcast

1246 EpisodesShareFollow77 minutes | May 20th 2021

Episode 1228 – Rickie Lee Jones

Rickie Lee Jones is, first and foremost, a storyteller. She realized at a young age that she could process her feelings and tell her own story through the fiction of songs. As she tells Marc, that same impulse prompted her to write a memoir in which she could present her life story through the narrative of her extended family of vaudevillians. Rickie Lee and Marc also talk about her formative and tumultuous relationship with Tom Waits and why it’s hard for her to reminisce about her early albums and the hits that made her a star. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Yeah.

Introverts win the pandemic!!

We did better! Yay for us!

Introverts Rule

I love Introvert, Dear ….the website that praises me daily for being the exact way I am.

Here’s some cool science that explains why INTROVERTS WON THE PANDEMIC!! Woo hoo!

Science April 23, 2021

Introverts Had an Advantage During COVID-19, Study Finds

by Tandice Ghajar Strausbaugh

An introvert in a good mood

Introversion provided a buffer for dealing with a major life stressor, and even allowed people to come through it “better” than before.

In the spring 2020 semester at the University of Vermont, a group of researchers and doctors began a study on nearly 500 first-year college students to obtain data on wellness activities and mental health. Then COVID-19 hit and the campus went remote.

As you might have guessed, the study didn’t go as planned, but what came out of it were some surprising findings about how personality affects resilience and well-being. Every day, the students in the study used a phone app to rate their moods and stress levels, as well as any wellness activities they did (like exercise, mindfulness, and sleep). 

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Visit Yourself.

I got this nice little list of tips from the amazing Tara Brach in my email this week! So good!

If you aren’t doing everything Tara Brach tells you to do (e.g., suggests or inspires), then get on it now. Her guidance is easy to implement and it is instantly helpful.

8 Essential Tips to Nourish Your Meditation Practice


1. Practice daily, even if for a short time

Mindfulness is a present centered, non-judging awareness. With practice, you’ll find you are increasingly at home in your life—peaceful, clear and openhearted. This allows for a natural connectedness and intimacy with others.

The poet Rumi asks: Do you make regular visits to yourself? Whether it’s 5-minutes, 15-minutes, or 45-minutes, what most matters is the rhythm of a daily practice. It’s helpful to have a preset time, rather than leaving it for when you’re “in the mood”; and to practice in a place that is quiet, protected and conducive to presence.

2. Attitude is everything

The biggest reason people quit meditation is because they judge themselves for how they are practicing. Please don’t turn meditation into a “should,” another domain of self-critique! Instead, choose to cultivate mindfulness because you care about living true to your heart.

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Favorite Listens

Spent the holidays catching up with @ScottAdamsSays at Real Coffee with Scott Adams on YouTube.

I like listening to Scott Adams. First of all, he’s funny. I guess it’s not a surprise that he’s funny, but not all cartoonists are funny in real life. But Scott Adams is funny in real life. He’s funny in a casual, conversational way that makes me wish I was sitting in his kitchen. And hanging out on his tennis court.

And he’s well-informed too. He’s all kinds of seriously educated and highly informed. The guy doesn’t sleep much so he gets to read a lot while the world is quiet. And it sounds like he talks to other smart, informed, well-read people. He gets fact checks with just a request. I’m guessing he has some good dinner conversations.

Best of all, Scott Adams has a white board. With all of this pandemic isolation, I didn’t realize how much I was missing presentations. Mr. Adams’ whiteboard lessons make me feel like I’m back in the boardroom. Or conference room. Or classroom.

Or any room outside of my living room.

But the thing that really draws me (pun only intended after editing) to Scott Adams is his focus on habits and the ability to reprogram the brain. I’m not sure all he’s been through or how he’s learned it, but the guy gets the relationship between mindfulness and behavior modification. I’m tempted to start diagramming Adams’ talks in terms of their CBT -traceable content, but that might be crossing an observer line. He uses different terms, different language, but the guy is a walking cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) model. It’s great to hear him talk about reprogramming the brain, since that’s my focus. It’s especially cool to hear a multimillionaire who hob knobs with high up smarty pantsies talk about how he learned to choose yams over Snickers.

Adams also posts at a locals site now. I hadn’t heard much about locals and I’m still figuring it out. But Adams promises he’s ‘extra-provocative’ over on locals, so I’m in. Because I need Scott Adams to be even more extra than he already is.

BTW, if you’re into Scott Adams, his 2015 interview on Tim Ferris’ podcast is good. Even fresh considering the date.

And also, BTW, Tim Ferris’ podcast is always amazing. But I’m still waiting for his Top 25 list of 2020. If anyone sees it, let me know.

xoxo, d

Play again?

#playagain

Life since watching Queen’s Gambit has been colorful, swirling and bright.

For once, there is a Netflix miniseries about me. And girls like me. And he’s, them’s, it’s like me.

Granted, I don’t play chess.

And I don’t have issues with drugs and alcohol.

And I don’t have a history of extreme loss and abandonment.

But other than those small details, the miniseries is literally about me.

At least that’s what I took from it. Along with a bunch of other obvious and some less-than-obvious themes (i.e., feminism, gender roles, mother figures).

It’s about isolation. And about finding a language that enables you to express yourself and communicate in a way that’s understood by others.

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My first impeachment.

RAL 2017 (07-03) SOFA

I come from a family of news junkies.  I remember my mother’s father sitting in our living room devouring the daily papers. And my father’s mother lived long enough to become addicted to CNN and the 24-hour news cycle.  She was a 24-hour news devotee debating local and global politics with anyone who enjoyed a lively discussion.

I became a news junkie too. Mostly, I love tragedies and legal procedure. Tragedies provided me an outlet for all of the sadness depression dumped on me.  Legal procedure appealed to the other parts of my brain, eventually leading me to law school and then litigation.

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