Try making a list. Not a big list. Not a serious, inspiring, motivating, nudge-your-butt…
So here I am trying to write lighter humor while getting provoked. Because getting provoked is how TMS for OCD works.
Where is the hidden camera? Because this is like a really gone awry freak show.
Here’s how the day goes.
Wake up. Work. Go to TMS treatment. Get provoked. Get ridiculously distressed and upset because of provocation regarding one of my greatest fears being poked, poked, poked. Get magnets banged against my brain for twenty minutes. Go home. Be confused for a bunch of hours. Work. Work more. Work more. Write humor. Try to draw poorly. Try to fix the poor drawing. Give up. Go to sleep.
Now, don’t think it’s all torture.
Luckily, peppered in there are some “uppers.” Uppers as in “things I do to lighten up life.” Like play around. And laugh. And basically just do other fun things. Mostly podcasts and YouTube. And Bella. And Zoom. And writing. And woods. And music. Some Beverly Hills 90210 or Will & Grace or Gilmore Girls if I need some comfort tv.
But man, it is hard to write cartoons during TMS. Because I am trying to write storylines now and the Sundays are nowhere near the weekdays on the schedule but I am trying to drive the Sundays with the dailies and the Lites are completely separate. And the storyline needs to move slowly enough but fast enough but slow but fast but it’s too confusing.
It’s time for a collective OMG. Collective from me and Bella. And all of the voices in my head.
And the drawing. OMG.
I spent an hour drawing a sofa the other day. And it was still poorly drawn. Oh well. It’s a style.
I need a support group for cartoonists with broken brains.
The other day I was looking for a group of emails from one of my longest time fans. He is a wonderful supporter who has been writing since 2013. But I haven’t heard from him recently so I need to check up on him.
While looking for his emails, I ran across a hater’s. And I don’t get much hater email. Maybe one a year. But I wonder if haters know they could be writing to someone who is already triggered and suicidal when they read that hater email.
Because I was.
Luckily, my toolkit is jam packed with tools to fight against haters.
Because there is definitely stigma. Or at least there is discomfort.
When you have talked about killing yourself. Or tried.
Even if it was your brain talking. And not your heart.
So love the creations of those who may have been in pain when they made them. That creation may have saved them that day.
And check out #TMS. If not for you, maybe for someone else. It’s being used for so many conditions. And most of them don’t involve provocation or side effects. And most of it is covered by insurance unlike many other treatments for those conditions which are not. #truth
And smile. Because someone else needs to see you smile today.
I am smiling today. #truth
xoxoxo, d and bella
Here’s the thing
When you are suicidal, people don’t want to talk about the one thing you need to talk about. #truth
They just want to make sure you are safe so they can carry on with their day.
And once you’re safe, WHEW
But you are left alone with your thoughts. And your thoughts don’t just go away.
They might be relieved for an hour, or night, or couple of days, weeks, months.
But they don’t just go away.
So you need to find people willing to talk about your thoughts so you can figure out how to make them go away.
You need to find the right people who are not afraid to talk about the darkest thoughts in the world.
And that is not easy to do.
Don’t learn the hard way. It’s not helpful.
Find people who say you can talk to them.
Make them talk to you.
Tell them you need to talk about your thoughts.
So your thoughts become past thoughts and not future actions.
Turn your thoughts into words so you can put them in the past.
Then make a plan to make the moment better.