Things Will Change.

When you try giving hope to someone in pain, it only works if the hope is that something will change.

Generally, in offering hope, you must be saying “I have something – an idea, a piece of information, a source, a referral – something that will change the pain you are in.”

Because if you aren’t offering a change from the pain, then what is there to be hopeful about?

It’s not like anything else will do the trick when you’re in pain. The only thing that will really do the trick when you’re in that much pain is a change in the level of pain (or the perception of that level of pain).

Which is why I was never really hopeful about decreasing constant disruptive thoughts of violence and harm…. oops… trigger alert.  Sorry, it won’t get worse than that, promise.

What I mean to say is that because my constant disruptive thoughts of violence and harm were never helped by anything until very recently when there was something that actually stopped the thoughts – I never had hope the thoughts would go away.

Many things helped to manage those thoughts better, but nothing stopped those thoughts. The thoughts were stuck on a wheel that played over and over and over again in my head.

But I got exceptionally good at managing those thoughts. I had all sorts of routines and practices – so many tricks and tips – for making sure I stayed on top of my  job and that I got my cartoons done to meet the editor’s deadlines each week.

I was basically a machine. I ran like clockwork. Like a robot.

But I still mostly had those constant disruptive thoughts.

I just sometimes had an easier time ignoring them. Or an easier time delaying them – and distracting myself from them.

Well, sometimes I had an easier time and sometimes I had a harder time.

But I had medications that helped if I could juggle the timing of side effects enough to meet work and cartoon deadlines.

And in the past several years I had Ketamine.

Ketamine was a huge deal for me. Even though it didn’t stop the bad thoughts, it allowed me to say yes to going out and walking the dog or biking a few miles or doing other things that help to break up the bad thoughts in my head.

But nothing actually changed the thoughts until TMS.

And it’s hard to explain what it’s like to go to work and get your cartoons finished and talk to friends and walk the dog without having a constant battle over the movies in your head that preview the car crashes that may take place today.

Actually, it’s easy to explain!

It’s amazing.

So let me give you hope that things can change.

There’s a better day out there if you investigate your options and refuse to believe that the level of shit you feel is the best level you can ever achieve.

Please refuse to believe that.

Because feeling better can actually happen.

I never thought it could happen for me because nothing had ever worked.

And then something worked.

Happy Friday.  Hope it’s a good one for you.

xoxoxo, dee (and bella)