Just Another Manic Monday.

Like most normal people who live for the weekend, I’ve never been the biggest fan of Mondays. But tomorrow is different because I get to return to treatment.

It’s Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and unfortunately Covid forced me to lose a few days last week.

But I am recovered from Covid and ready to go again! Dying actually (pun intended) to get back to the best treatment I’ve ever had.

If you’re new here, I’ve written about how TMS has pretty much completely changed my life.

It has changed my life by changing what’s going on in my brain..

Whether the changes will last, I don’t know. But for the first time in my life, I’m experiencing a break from near constant intrusive thoughts of violence and harm.

And the break I’m experiencing is not just a break for a few hours or a day here or there.

It’s been a break of months now.

It’s unbelievable.

It’s almost impossible to explain the difference.

Except that I’m a writer so I’m actually writing tons and tons of words about it every day.

Because this TMS is a big deal. At least it is for me.

Like a BFD.

If you don’t believe me, here’s a glimpse into life just before TMS, taken from my daily journal.

WARNING RIGHT NOW THAT THERE ARE REFERENCES TO SUICIDE. STOP READING IF THIS WILL TRIGGER OR UPSET YOU.

On August 31, 2022, after reading details of Naomi Judd’s death taken from her autopsy report, I wrote the following:

I would love to shoot myself in the head and get to experience it without dying immediately.
I wouldn’t be scared at all. That’s like a fantasy.
That’s the type of suicide porn I would love a support group for.
I would love to be able to talk about that stuff and release it.

But I can’t tell anyone about that so it just builds up in my system.

I have a lot of suicide fantasies and imagery while I’m awake. I want to get rid of those. Maybe I can eventually with LSD and mushrooms hopefully.
I think I have suicide fantasies and imagery in my head the way other people watch YouTube and play video games.
I think that’s what I need to fix.
I think that’s what I haven’t been able to communicate to doctors.

What channel plays in your head? Mine is S-TV.

I’m thinking a lot about buying a gun. I would buy a silencer. I would buy it online. Maybe I’ll buy a gun.

Okay. Seriously Stop Thinking
This is dangerous level thinking I’m calling it dangerous level thinking. crying deep down plus physical urges plus Pandora playing special songs

Stop Thinking

Should turn off songs but they might help
I swear it was only supposed to be Marti Jones.  Marti Jones just breaks up suicidal thinking. She’s not alone forever suicidal thinking.

Ha ha ha. That’s Good Material. Let’s write about the levels of suicidal thinking.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m laughing 5 times.
Okay. WHEW. I got 5 laughs out of that

Now THAT was funny.

So, the good news is that I was able to turn the dark thoughts around. As I am always able to do eventually.

But it’s exhausting. Especially when it’s happening over and over and over.

That’s what living with my brain was like before TMS.

I would have to spend the entire day managing a constant barrage of dark thoughts, organizing them in such a way that they did not interfere with my ability to work and earn a living.

There was no time to live life. There was only time to keep myself from killing myself.

But now I have TMS.

And it’s working really well.

And  my goal is to get my brain into as great a shape as it can be so I can help others get treatment too. Or at least let them know there’s hope.

If you’re out there and you’re hurting, look at the links I’m posting to mental health resources. I am posting links to really great sources of information.

There are better treatments out there all the time. The new and better treatments are coming out faster these days.

And I am living proof that they make a difference.

And now I am getting the chance to actually live my life.

For the first time ever, I don’t believe I need to kill myself.

It’s surreal.

But it’s real.

I hope your Monday is whatever you want it to be. All I need is a little TMS.

And coffee, of course.

xoxoxo, dee (and bella)