Stop It.

I looked through my journals to see if my notes from the first round of Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) are similar to the notes from the second round.

I’m pleased to notice several positive similarities so far.

Just two weeks into each round, I started writing “Stop it” in my journal.

That was me telling myself to stop it.

Specifically that is me telling myself to stop after realizing I was engaging in bad (negative, unhelpful, unwanted, undesirable, maladaptive) behaviors or habits,

And that’s amazing.

Because usually, being quite the OCD-brain, I would obsess about the behavior once realizing I was engaging in the behavior.

In other words, I would meta obsess.

Yes, I would obsess about obsessing.

And everything would become the thing.

And the thing of the thing.

But after I started TMS treatment, my brain loosened up. And I was less interested in all of the mental gymnastics.

After I started TMS, I could do something or think of something without debating it for hours and then deciding not to do it or not to think about it.

Like I could just do something. Or think about something.

And then just move on to the next something.

Just like that

In the beginning it was like crazy magic.

I started doing all sorts of  simple things without having to complicate them and twist all of the what ifs and if thens into a never-ending puzzle of possibilities,

And now, I’ll see “Stop it” once in a while in my journal,

Sometimes I follow up “Stop it” with “Good job stopping it.”

I’ve talked here before about positive reinforcement and how it helps me in that moment to memorialize what I was successful at doing.

“Good job not counting the number of times a particular character wore a particular color during the winter months over the past four years of cartooning,”

No!

No you don’t!

Do I obsess about those details?

Let’s just say “You have no idea what my brain is capable of latching onto and mincing into a million pieces of what the hell?”

So yes, I. have obsessed about what colors characters have worn over periods of time. And in what numbers. And on what days. And in what combinations. And with what backgrounds.

It’s a counting thing. I count things.

And then I make them symmetrical.

It’s ridiculous.

But now it’s significantly less thanks to TMS.

And I was reminded of that today when I broke format a few times.

I literally broke my journaling format.

I won’t go into detail because it really is insane, but I’ll just say that I wrote a bunch of things without adhering to rules that really don’t achieve any particular helpful purpose.

I wouldn’t say I’m breaking the rules. I’m not there yet.

But I’m loosening the rules.

And letting many of them just disappear.

And it’s really cool.

I’m feeling very Joan Jett and Pat Benatar and thinking of putting all of the characters in black leather jackets.

We’ll see if anyone notices.

Happy weekend.

xoxoxoxo, dee (and bella)

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